2010 One-Liners of the Year

Since I haven't been out much lately, I'm doing a recap post of most of the great one-liners of the year. I have a habit to text them to the people I'm with or ask people to text them to me since it's known at that moment there's no way in hell we'd remember them later.

Fortunately, I've taken to reviewing my texts and writing them down. Most will NOT make any sense at all...just know that at the moment they were said it was the best thing anyone had ever heard up until that time. They are all my favorites but I bolded the best memories for me.

December 2009 Left Overs:

Jen to Lydia: “The cumfactor is rasied tonight!” L: “What is the cum factor?” J: “I don’t know but it sounded good at the time!” L: “Yes! The cumfactor is raised!”

Lydia to Chaz: “I’ll go kicking and screaming…with my legs wrapped around you!”

Guy to Jen: “You’re one of the most natural looking woman in here! I just wanted to thank you.”

Overheard guys: “Where is your penis and where is my mouth?”

January:

Jen to Lydia about Olympia: “Nut up, dude, nut up.”

Lydia to Jen: “I’ll put out but I’m not putting up.”

Lydia texting to Jen at 3am: “I have an ode for you.” “Do share! And you are in so much trouble!” “Ode to Being Awakened By a Text Message Sound:…I would write that ode but I’m super tired!!!”

Jen texting to Lydia at 4:23 am: “Every girl does the dudes don’t.”

Jen to Lydia on the simplification of the form of male dance. “Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis.”

Lydia to Jen: “I am diagnosing myself with M.A.D. Male Aggravation disorder.”

February:

Lydia to Jen: “Why are we sorry?” J: “Because we scared them off with our beauty.”

Jen to Lydia: “I’m not a pimp; I’m a playa.”

Lydia to Jen: “We should name a drink at our bar James Dean’s Cousin.”

Lydia to Jen: “Why do we always have to choose?” “Because we are the fun people.”

March:

Jen to Lydia: “Do you remember that weekend when I was up in Seattle fucking Seattle?”

Lydia to Jen: “There’s no upstairs so where did you make out?”

Jen to Lydia: “I’m at Joann’s getting stuff for my ass-less chaps with my mom!”

Jen to Joe John: “Where’s your mustache comb?” “It’s in his pants.”

April:

Jen to Lydia: “Maybe I’ll parade you up and down the street and yell ‘Feel her! Feel her!’” L: “Then I’ll get mammograms all night.” J: “I know where you can get them for free. (3 blocks)”

Jen to Canadians: “We were friendly at first. Then we started getting HOS-tile!”

Jen to Lydia and Stephanie: “This is the worst crappiest blow-shit I’ve ever seen!”

May:

Guy to Lydia and Jen: “I got the impression that you girls think I’m a good looking guy.” Lydia: “Who told you that?” Guy: “My mind. My mind.”

Jen to Lydia about Joe John: “So meaty.”

Jen to Lydia: “How about settling for Jen thighs?”

June:

Jen to Lydia: “It wasn’t the tree; it was the trunk.”

July:

Lydia to Jen: “Want a chalupa?”

Lydia to Jen: “I’m not fat; I’m fluffy.”

Lydia to Jen: “It was a caucasian penis on a black man! Peeing!”

Jen to horny Chinese guy: “Okay. Go Away.”

October:

Odin about Lydia: “You are epic!”

November:

Derrick to Lydia: “I couldn’t agree with you more than 100%.”

Derrick to Lydia: “It’s your promise land.”

Trapped in the Ladies Room

Odin, Nick and I and their two lady friends went to the Red Canary to celebrate Nick’s birthday. I was severely UNDERDRESSED in jeans, a tshirt and snow boots. I hated that. I am never underdressed. The two ladies looked great in their cocktail dresses, as did every other woman in that club…except me. I looked like an idiot.

Earlier that night I had played Stop Sign Drinking while walking to meet Odin and Nick at the Hofbrau (incidentally my bartender crush was not working that night). “Stop Sign Drinking?” you ask, “What is that?” Just a little game I made up. All one needs is a neighborhood to walk in, a flask filled with alcohol (mine is Basil Hayden), and yourself, or friends. Every time you come to a stop sign, you open your flask and take shot. I thought this was a great game…as I knew I would have 4-5 stop signs on the way to Hofbrau.

Anyway, we drank at Hofbrau then Odin took us to the Red Canary (where I was underdressed). He ordered some champagne and soon enough I had to break the seal. There were only two women’s and the one without the sign that said “out of order” was being used.  I always know that’s not usually true - the sign that says out of order, so I went into that stall, peed, washed my hands and everything worked!

So the next time I went, I went in, peed, and then grabbed the handle to get out. This time there was no handle to the inside of the door. But, there was a lock on the door so I grabbed the knob and tried to pull the door open and that didn’t work either! I stuck my finger in the handleless hole and tried to pull it open that way. Nothing worked! At this point I’m tanked. So I just leaned against the wall and started laughing so hard I had to pee again. Good thing I’m stuck in a bathroom!

So there I was…stuck in the ladies bathroom! The club music was so loud too no one would be able to hear me yell for help! So I must have stood there for about 10 minutes thinking, I don’t even have a phone to call someone! And I just laughed some more. It was a helpless sort of laughter that just kind of tells you that you fucked yourself and have no one to blame for going into the bathroom that told you it was out of order.

I started pounding on the door. Eventually it was opened by this petite, blonde girl that gave me a look. But not a look that said it’s strange you are pounding on the inside of the bathroom door. Just an annoyed one for some reason. She pushed past me into the handle-less bathroom and shut the door. As I stared at the closed door I thought, “Should I wait to let her out?” I decided against it, wrong I know, laughed and went back to the dance floor where Odin had popped some more champagne. I hope she had a cell phone.

Moral of the Story: If you are going to use an out-of-order bathroom, make sure you read everything that’s written on that note. And make sure the inside has a handle.

Phone Boob Rub

I decided to go to Danny’s Saturday night. My friend who brought me to Danny's and I have agreed that it is now called "Best. Bar. Ever." Seriously. The underground dj's are the best. Great drinks for low prices. Read the link.

I invited a girl I had met who was on a date with Nick. She was at a Christmas party and would come later. I decided to go up there by myself before they arrived though because I had nothing else to do. Strangely, there was a  plethora of dirty, dirty seriously old men at Danny’s that night. None of them bothered me…it was a younger guy.

There I am texting and this guy comes up, a foot shorter than me and grabs my phone from my hand. I say, “Give it back.” He doesn’t though. He proceeds to take my phone, my OWN phone, and starts rubbing it all over my chest and my stomach and back up to my chest. I’m appalled! Stunned!  

And yet, I wasn’t angry I was just so amazingly appalled I almost laughed. I mean, there I am, in Danny’s, by myself, and my own phone is being rubbed all over my boobs. Who else does something like this happen to?! He finally stops, I grab the phone, and say, “Walk away, Sir, walk away.” He does because I try to throw into my voice some anger but I really just wanted to laugh.

I text Kristin that I have to tell her about my phone boob rub at Danny’s. Oh, and you think that was it? No. About 5 minutes later he comes up to me again, tries to grab my phone and I jerk it back away in time and say to him, “If you don’t walk away right now, I’m going to throat punch you!” And then I made a little throat punching motion with my hand, like a shadow puppet duck, and said really loudly again so he could hear over the music,

“THROAT PUNCH! THROAT PUNCH!”

And his friend ran over and grabbed him. I was sad that I didn’t get to throat punch him. I was really like 10 seconds from doing it. Oh well. He came up one more time to apologize for his drunkenness. At that point I was annoyed so I just said, “Go away.” And I walked off.

Moral of the Story: If you get a chance to throat punch, only warn once, then just do it before the friend runs over to take the drunken fool away.